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Americans Struggle to Stand Up 

Paul Ingraham ARCHIVEDMicroblog posts are archived and rarely updated. In contrast, most long-form articles on PainScience.com are updated regularly over the years (see updates page).

In fitness “news”:

A study published Monday by the National Institutes of Health found that the typical American now requires three distinct attempts to raise themselves from a seated position … The report also found that once standing, Americans could resume a seated position in a single fluid motion.

This is so plausible it barely qualifies as satire.

 End of post. 
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